and if i could time
out my reaction
and plan a course
of evasive action
i never would have
confronted you
i never would have
known the way you would have been.

i try, and yet i feel
it's not good enough
rehearse and trials
of error and misgivings
forgotten
embarassement and disillusions
i wish that you
had already heard.

i dont know
what you want of me
i dont know where
i stand or
what my cues are to be
i look awkwardly out
to you
for a sign
a hint, anything 
i can use to stand up
on my own two feet.

and if i could've planned
my reaction
i'd have taken action
and now forgotten 
pain would be.

xoxo
Ellie J