i threw them out
in the trash
i was in the bath
and i saw my thighs
and there was nothing more
at that moment i wanted more
then to take teh knife
and keep score.

i want to be normal
so i threw them out
thirteen razorblades i found
but there were more...
without doubt.

i went to sleep
and told myself it doesnt matter
but whats wrong with me
cant be quieted
i've fought too long
holding back tears.
i flew down the stairs
and grabbed a new blade
jumped in my bed
and let myself bleed.

i sat for a while,
looking at my wrists
and back to the blade
how such a thing
would help me
i couldnt figure out
and it got to a point
where i said 
fuck it i dont care
and i drew up a line
that blood soon poured out.

sectioning off a sectoin
of flesh, i began
making crosses
and watching the blood
drip off my arm
and onto the bed.

fresh new steel
gliding through 
fresh flesh
new wounds
nine tiny marks
barely deep
but still
it's enough.

blood pours out crimson
red and i think
of all the times
you run through my head
and i cant take it anymore
i want it too much.
this is the only way
i can forget your soft touch.

i held my arm adn cried
and when i opened my eyes
it was morning.
i forgot all about
the pain inside
and now i have these tiny
marks to hide.

i dont want you to see
but silently inside
i want you to help me.
what the hell
am i s'posed to do?
i need myself
to get the fuck over you.

xoxo
Ellie J