dont you see what you took from me
my hands cold and shoved in my pockets
i wanna be there
hold your hands to warm mine
why arent you here
close the blinds 
ignore the street lights
the cars passing by
could they be me
driving past you again and again
wanting to rap the sill
you just pushed me away
remember how you'd cry in your kitchen
the last kiss i gave you
to your forehead
as i handed that letter
i spent so much time going over it
even gave it an editor
and you read it a thousand times
you told me
you told me that did it
that did it for you
you know i was right
but i was just trying to show you how wrong it was
that you'd argue it
say it was all wrong
realize how i love you
how i love you
and in that kitchen 
i kissed that forehead
left into the street
under the streetlights i left
you push me away
hold on just a little
cuz god knows we cant let go completely
how do i move on
from something that keeps me alive
love, maybe its me
maybe its us
remember waking up, putting the blankets away from the
floor
our nest our little joke
and making out madly even though we did that all night
one last time before we have to go upstairs and leave it 
all there
downstairs
hiding it
agaisnt the wall you'd push me
kiss me feverishly 
couldnt get enough
i couldnt either
and then with tears and that coy smile
we'd reluctantly go upstairs
i can taste you now
as i could then
"can we just kiss awhile?" 
i remember the feel of your whisper on my ear
when i didnt have pjs
unexpected slumber party for two
id wear yours 
oh love you're shorter than me
and i got capris unintended
lets make it a point
to at least not forget those times
little panguins about five inches too short
lets not forget the magic
now that its stopped
how you'd tell me to shutup
and to fuck off
never words so lovingly muttered
how i need you now
how different id be
how itd be to walk into a bar with you
as we should be
together
to kiss you as we dance
and not have it be hidden in your room
to hug you and have you smile proudly
and everyone be able to see it
to know that you're mine
to dance to your song
put your back into it
yes i remember how can i forget
have renee tell me how hot you are when you dance
and be able to join you
to touch you in public
thats why i didnt back then
i know how hurt you were
it killed me
but i had to protect you
lets not just say i'll call you
we'll keep in touch
those are so empty sounding 
since i know you just want what i want
and cant
or wont
or whatever you tell yourself
remember swimming?
when i pulled you into the pool
and you were a little panicked
then i told you
a thousand times
i had you
and i wouldnt let you go
and you smiled
kissed me there
and hung on
so trusting
remember how innocent i was
how earnest
before being jaded
before bitter
so many people wouldnt believe there was sucha jill
but there was
i have the videos to prove it
how they should watch how i was
shock is an understatement
i remember showing off 
doing handsprings off the diving board
loving when you'd squeel nervously 
and splash me fake-madly when i'd land it
remember all that? 
i do.
every breathe every sound every day
and i fucked it up
and i know it.
and now?
now im so jaded and closed off 
never going to recover
no one can reach me anymore
how you should see me now
as they should see me then
the lights out.
the lights out.