the window bangs, wind throws it off
isnt that the lyrical twist
and i wait with wonder
for a satanic visitor
to take the window and enter.
i lie awake.
insomnia departed
for these godforsaken dreams
how i wish i were an insomniac.
clever like you
i remember too much.
hack into your new life
a shadow of what i am.
i read.
what i used to be
what i used to be with.
how you write is so the same
how i write is so different
do you think of me at all
do i want you to
when the night is morning
and i am so hated
and hate filled
when i saw you
you are someone else
black hair same green eyes
did you see me
what did you see when you watched
i could see you watching
following my hands, my eyes
hatred?  
i sneak back into your life
unknown to you
i read you.
i disagree.
hypocrite.
and now i can keep tabs
on the satanic angel.
should she know
should she read my own bible here.
seeing you breathing the same air
was a war on my heart
feeling ice again
i sleep awake
with a hockey stick
waiting for the visit
that will end all silence
can we really be calm forever?
what did you think when you saw me
how out i have become
how tiresome i look
and how things have changed.
spiders await the dead
am i 
are you
you're hollow 
do you feel this
my eyes afire
this drumming in my chest
its been a year angel
i still feel sick
how life changes in a year
who we fuck
who we love
if we can love at all anymore
this year, and the one before that
have altered matter
no longer strong and funny
now introspective and tired
im 19 and i feel 65.
ive lived two lives
and my eyes show that age.
people tell me i look tired. 
i do believe my soul is worn.
worn through.
age ripples through me
i dont look 19.
sure im young and my body works wonders
but i dont look 19
my gf told me when she was lying on top of me
just in the last week
we were still
just listening to each other breathe
(i love you carlee)
she suddenly looked up at me
and we talked
really talked
about life and experiences
in that soft whisper that makes me melt
i kiss her forehead
and wait for the impending disaproval
im not gay enough
but it wasnt that
at all
and i fell in love with her 
all the more
her black and red hair falling across one eye
"why are you so tired?"
i was up late
"no i mean inwardly tired - you're fire is so dim now"
she never talks like this
i do
i always do
i explain what i lost
my lara
my grip on who i was
im not what i thought
im not funny
im not calm and cool
im not charismatic
im not the hero
and i never have been
im not pretty
and im not more clever than everyone
some people get it
catch on
even if they dont say so.
so she asks again
"why dont you love me like i love you?"
so i look at her
as she gazes sadly at me
her cute little nose almost wrinkled up
as she pushes back tears
that come with brutal honesty
shes never said i love you
never ever
she did there jill
her mouth tightened
like julias when she cries
i felt this weight on my chest
her hand moving
sliding to my face 
brushing my annoyingly overgrown bangs away
she whispers again
"cate i love you"
and before i can catch myself
honesty burns my lips
i hate being fucking honest
my eyes meet hers for the first time in months
i tend to talk to the floor or wall
avoid eye contact for they will see the aging
i reply to this little punk pixie
in my low and unsteady voice
"baby i love you too"
and i do
its been awhile
can i love again
i think i do
i think a lot of things
she kissed me softly
then let her tongue find mine
i felt a tear from her
i want to protect her
thats the old jill 
protect them
like you fuckin can
what you should do
is protect them from you
make them love you
then dash their hopes
their fire
eyes stale like yours 
make them like you
do you mean to?
of course not
im not angel
i mean to love them
like i loved her
and now shes gone
stale like me
altho that wasnt my doing
there is no point
in trying again
no one makes me feel like she did
no one is as cute
as sweet 
as perfect a fit
and its gone
do i love you car?
i love you baby.
as much as my heart can love anyone anymore
im tired
theres not much left in me.
u have so much life
dont let me suck it out
i wait with hockeysticks
raised and rigid
while the crickets chirp
and when they dont
i think the world is hatred
hatred for me
everyone wants to hurt me
out me
and laugh at it
you want revenge
for the hearts ive broken
destroy mine 
thats justice
why would you love me
you're vibrant and sexy
colourful
is it pity love
the "i could be her saviour" love?
ive been both ends of that
it doesnt work
no one can be saved.
if they can
then my part isnt saving
but sending them to the peril
god knows how
and when im in peril
its ironic justice
as i said
my heart is broken as a price
and when you say i love you
i just see an addition on my sentence
ten years or more
for the years you will cry and be pained
double mine.
i owe too much
you want to know why im sad?
why im 65?
why i love so reservedly?
i cant take on anymore
i dont want you to cry
and i know i'll make you cry
sweet carlee i love you
but we cant be together