sweet sweet baby

the window bangs, wind throws it off isnt that the lyrical twist and i wait with wonder for a satanic visitor to take the window and enter. i lie awake. insomnia departed for these godforsaken dreams how i wish i were an insomniac. clever like you i remember too much. hack into your new life a shadow of what i am. i read. what i used to be what i used to be with. how you write is so the same how i write is so different do you think of me at all do i want you to when the night is morning and i am so hated and hate filled when i saw you you are someone else black hair same green eyes did you see me what did you see when you watched i could see you watching following my hands, my eyes hatred? i sneak back into your life unknown to you i read you. i disagree. hypocrite. and now i can keep tabs on the satanic angel. should she know should she read my own bible here. seeing you breathing the same air was a war on my heart feeling ice again i sleep awake with a hockey stick waiting for the visit that will end all silence can we really be calm forever? what did you think when you saw me how out i have become how tiresome i look and how things have changed. spiders await the dead am i are you you're hollow do you feel this my eyes afire this drumming in my chest its been a year angel i still feel sick how life changes in a year who we fuck who we love if we can love at all anymore this year, and the one before that have altered matter no longer strong and funny now introspective and tired im 19 and i feel 65. ive lived two lives and my eyes show that age. people tell me i look tired. i do believe my soul is worn. worn through. age ripples through me i dont look 19. sure im young and my body works wonders but i dont look 19 my gf told me when she was lying on top of me just in the last week we were still just listening to each other breathe (i love you carlee) she suddenly looked up at me and we talked really talked about life and experiences in that soft whisper that makes me melt i kiss her forehead and wait for the impending disaproval im not gay enough but it wasnt that at all and i fell in love with her all the more her black and red hair falling across one eye "why are you so tired?" i was up late "no i mean inwardly tired - you're fire is so dim now" she never talks like this i do i always do i explain what i lost my lara my grip on who i was im not what i thought im not funny im not calm and cool im not charismatic im not the hero and i never have been im not pretty and im not more clever than everyone some people get it catch on even if they dont say so. so she asks again "why dont you love me like i love you?" so i look at her as she gazes sadly at me her cute little nose almost wrinkled up as she pushes back tears that come with brutal honesty shes never said i love you never ever she did there jill her mouth tightened like julias when she cries i felt this weight on my chest her hand moving sliding to my face brushing my annoyingly overgrown bangs away she whispers again "cate i love you" and before i can catch myself honesty burns my lips i hate being fucking honest my eyes meet hers for the first time in months i tend to talk to the floor or wall avoid eye contact for they will see the aging i reply to this little punk pixie in my low and unsteady voice "baby i love you too" and i do its been awhile can i love again i think i do i think a lot of things she kissed me softly then let her tongue find mine i felt a tear from her i want to protect her thats the old jill protect them like you fuckin can what you should do is protect them from you make them love you then dash their hopes their fire eyes stale like yours make them like you do you mean to? of course not im not angel i mean to love them like i loved her and now shes gone stale like me altho that wasnt my doing there is no point in trying again no one makes me feel like she did no one is as cute as sweet as perfect a fit and its gone do i love you car? i love you baby. as much as my heart can love anyone anymore im tired theres not much left in me. u have so much life dont let me suck it out i wait with hockeysticks raised and rigid while the crickets chirp and when they dont i think the world is hatred hatred for me everyone wants to hurt me out me and laugh at it you want revenge for the hearts ive broken destroy mine thats justice why would you love me you're vibrant and sexy colourful is it pity love the "i could be her saviour" love? ive been both ends of that it doesnt work no one can be saved. if they can then my part isnt saving but sending them to the peril god knows how and when im in peril its ironic justice as i said my heart is broken as a price and when you say i love you i just see an addition on my sentence ten years or more for the years you will cry and be pained double mine. i owe too much you want to know why im sad? why im 65? why i love so reservedly? i cant take on anymore i dont want you to cry and i know i'll make you cry sweet carlee i love you but we cant be together