for renee

For Renee one laugh one shared glance two smiles no romance friends quickly established laughs shared lame jokes constant talk late nite whispers till we were caught secrets opened same, we are one kiss one shared glance too often dated others still found you hugs kisses smiles laughter hard words tears a plenty always best friends sunset rises 5am train sways rocks us both cheap blankets cured by joined bodies warmth encircles quick lips on lips im so sick death is welcome your hand grounds me dizzy and ill snuggled against you regardless of eyes stuck together forever - until one night too many broken bones broken hearts broken trust broken apart months apart phones unanswered phones undialed tears ignored you left me here left with her two most loved both left me here all alone to write in blood words of tears blood for wet tears so wet look into me is it me you see? or hatred an object so lighted to reflect all that you want to see the evil dark in me that only exists because u see it though it does exist please dont make it cant you see how i miss you remember - unconditional look at all these conditions you know me please dont look through me see me see you you ripped out my heart laughed at me for bleeding jumped up and down on the life in me on my heart flattened and depleated words so wrong lies told to many secrets advertised at light speed i would NEVER do that to you cut my soul the only way you knew i would Never do that to you i didnt do that to you i didnt do anything lash back react or deal cuz i cant you did it to me bury the dead bury me alive this is not living why wont you stop? cant you see what you did to me? i dont want you back i dont have the strength to relove anyone to love anyone not after that i dont want you back just for you to know even all this current chat doesnt pump my heart unfreeze my blood unhurt my soul burns too deep scars to visible thought replays all the ways you hurt me and i will never heal not all the way so let me breathe as best i can let me live as best i can let me be all that i can with scars and tears without you and heart and her and love with learning and knowing and faux understanding of why you did and why she did no answers was i given other than drop it get over it deal how can i heal? it still flamed then and you watched me burn both threw matches in the hopes i'd burn so high i'd crumble and die and you'd all sigh but im strong and im leaving you im worth more you can never see how amazing i can be im leaving today im leaving for me for me alone im gonna live someday you can miss me when its all to late watch your screen you can wave then cry a little for all you threw away cry a lot when i leave today im leaving you finally doing what you asked not cuz u asked but because im gonna be more than you deserve to see somehow you will learn how selfishness cost you me you dont have me i own myself and im celebrating finding me even if you're not im glad im here so shed a tear or not maybe you'll notice how im not here to wipe it away im confident assured strong and independent cool and intelligent i've grown in ways you cant see watch me leave today dont bother to follow the Jill you knew left today Jillian came through long lost and loved im glad to be back confident and cocky focussed still loves hockey lol and you have the first pleasure of meeting the future in me only to say good bye though theres not much good in it wish i could stay but im worth more than trying to be loved love just happens and you never loved me i love you but im not going to fight for your love on the chance you might like me like is not enough best friends love and liking me at convenient times is not friendship wave good bye i'll never know if you do cuz i'm not looking back one laugh one shared glance one smile mine