For Renee

one laugh
one shared glance
two smiles
no romance
friends
quickly established
laughs shared
lame jokes
constant talk
late nite whispers
till we were caught
secrets opened
same, we are
one kiss
one shared glance
too often
dated others
still found you
hugs
kisses
smiles
laughter
hard words
tears a plenty
always best friends
sunset rises
5am
train sways 
rocks us both
cheap blankets 
cured by joined bodies
warmth encircles
quick lips on lips
im so sick
death is welcome
your hand grounds me
dizzy and ill
snuggled against you
regardless of eyes
stuck together
forever -
until
one night too many
broken bones
broken hearts
broken trust
broken apart
months apart
phones unanswered
phones undialed
tears ignored
you left me here
left with her
two most loved
both left me here
all alone
to write in blood
words of tears
blood for wet
tears so wet
look into me
is it me you see?
or hatred
an object
so lighted to reflect
all that you want to see
the evil dark in me
that only exists 
because u see it
though it does exist
please dont make it
cant you see
how i miss you
remember - unconditional
look at all these conditions
you know me
please dont look through me
see me
see you
you ripped out my heart
laughed at me for bleeding
jumped up and down
on the life in me
on my heart
flattened and depleated
words so wrong
lies
told to many
secrets advertised
at light speed
i would NEVER
do that to you
cut my soul
the only way you knew
i would Never 
do that to you
i didnt 
do that to you
i didnt do anything 
lash back
react
or deal
cuz i cant
you did it to me
bury the dead
bury me
alive
this is not living
why wont you stop?
cant you see
what you did to me?
i dont want you back
i dont have
the strength
to relove anyone
to love anyone
not after that
i dont want you back
just for you to know
even all this current chat
doesnt pump my heart
unfreeze my blood
unhurt my soul
burns too deep
scars to visible
thought replays
all the ways
you hurt me
and i will never heal
not all the way
so let me breathe 
as best i can
let me live
as best i can
let me be
all that i can
with scars
and tears
without 
you
and heart
and her
and love
with
learning
and knowing
and faux understanding
of why you did
and why she did
no answers was i given
other than
drop it
get over it
deal
how can i heal?
it still flamed then
and you watched me burn
both threw matches
in the hopes 
i'd burn so high
i'd crumble
and die
and you'd all sigh
but im strong
and im leaving you
im worth more
you can never see
how amazing i can be
im leaving today
im leaving for me
for me alone
im gonna live
someday
you can miss me
when its all to late
watch your screen
you can wave then
cry a little
for all you threw away
cry a lot
when i leave today
im leaving you 
finally
doing what you asked
not cuz u asked
but because im gonna be
more than you 
deserve to see
somehow you will learn
how selfishness
cost you me
you dont have me
i own myself
and im celebrating
finding me
even if you're not
im glad im here
so shed a tear
or not
maybe you'll notice
how im not here 
to wipe it away
im confident
assured
strong and independent
cool and intelligent
i've grown
in ways you cant see
watch me leave
today
dont bother to follow
the Jill you knew
left today
Jillian came through
long lost and loved
im glad to be back
confident
and cocky
focussed
still loves hockey lol
and you have
the first pleasure of meeting
the future 
in me
only to say good bye
though theres not much good
in it
wish i could stay 
but im worth more
than trying to be loved
love just happens
and you never loved me
i love you
but im not going to fight
for your love
on the chance you might like me
like is not enough
best friends love
and liking me
at convenient times
is not friendship
wave good bye
i'll never know if you do
cuz i'm not looking back
one laugh
one shared glance
one smile
mine