we do exist

everytime you look at me i feel like you can see right through my clothes you eyes, they close and i just know you're remembering that night friends and more it just felt right can everyone here read it all over my face? is there no secret that im disgraced? mis-sentence you kissed me and i was caught off-guard; i dont want this but how can i not? everything comes rushing back; stifled love for friendship forgotten, as your hand, brushing my cheek, cups my chin, your lips on mine, aggressively crushing my mouth; and i try to regain my composure, i try but concede to your tongue again a hand slips to my thigh sweet murmurs to my ear she missed me... her hand wipes away a tear my feelings pour free i've never trusted anyone with as much as i give you i want to jump and run to pretend we're through but we do exist the electricity flows i want this and i think she knows... from across the way you catch my eye i blush and look away god dont make me cry... concerned you sit at my side; face drawn with worry i want to confide i want to lie against your chest, baring myself entirely its you i adore as much as it kills me instead i shrug your arm off my shoulders, ignore the hurt in your eyes, your charm it wont work anymore love leads to hurt unbearable loss incredible dirt its too high a cost you pull me from the couch, fast, into the crowd of dancers here there are no questions to which i have no answers the tempo slows, couples draw near the song is too sad, i start to leave you grab my arm, intentions clear i rest my cheek upon your sleeve your perfume, your feel hands tight around my waiste its all so surreal fingers around your neck; interlaced we edge closer, till there is no space between the music comes to a still upward you lean the position familiar, we melt cautiously into one feelings we each have felt unaware the song done my heart races, until you pause grabbing my hand we blush at the applause from our friends and the band god everyone knows! together, this never ends you continue to kiss me from right where you froze in front of all our friends! mortified i push you off, too proud here come the hoots and howls from the crowd i flash a fierce scowl my eyes leak blurring my sight if i werent so weak i'd have put up a fight down the steps and across the lawn the party roars including the band i have no ride; my friends are all "gone" i sit on the curb, sobbing confused and alone my lips still throbbing god i wanna go home why does everything especially amore end up ripping me apart? punturing my core? why am i ruled by heart? for all i try with all my might to stop love from ruling it seems a pointless fight the sorrow keeps pooling further, deeper i descend alone in my thoughts, wishing for an impartial friend to just hold me, sobbing trembling, shaking i rise and head in everyone can tell im faking this pathetically small grin my eyes are red, face flushed at all the things you;ve said my heart can no longer trust the walls race upward protecting my soul tears course downward outta my normal role i wish for a friend, pray who wouldnt hate me god i need to pray after they read this theyd say nothing, but hug me; tell me itll be ok but i havent one who can see me cry who wont judge what ive done so i wait, alone, to die i'd gain some rest end the hammering pain that devours my chest my heart cant take the strain its already broken well beyond repair leave love unspoken i wish someone would care but no one does im not worth it no one will i carry to much shit considering committing... the pain it runs so deep... pressing, screaming slitting, bleeding to eternal sleep.