me..

let me take you on a journey, please be careful not to cry, i'll help you understand things, show you some reasons why i happen to be this way, please forgive me that i am, it's not something i expected, not something that i planned. i used to be a nobody, a book upon the shelf, and nobody would talk to me, nobody but myself. well i say that i had nobody, that's not entirely true, i had two special people, two people that i knew. my mum was always busy, my dad was hardly around, it really didn't bother me then, perhaps i was to young. i always had my grandad though, whenever they weren't around, we'd build a house or play some cards or squash snails on the ground. now you may call me crazy, but he meant everything to me, he symbolised some hope in life, love i couldn't see. so when he went and got diagnosed, i felt a part of me die, and when he passed away so sudden, i still question why. well i skipped a lot of time just then, several years or so, so now i must rewind again, and carry on although, the next bits may confuse you, as i find them hard to say, but i guess that soon you'll realise, well i'll tell you anyway. i was such a big child, a fat child and some more, and every name that you could think, i've heard it all before. my friend at school, she turned on me, she made me feel like shit, i couldn't bear her taunting so i told myself that was it. it wasn't hard to start with, just skip a meal or two, and run or ride till i collapsed, yeah, that helped a little too. these things always get out of control, me, i'm no exception, my mum found out quite soon enough, found out my big deception. she told me not to do it, that i was stupid and so cruel, but who was she to tell me anything, she didn't know me at all. i gave up really caring, it wasn't the main thing on my mind, for hidden from the world outside, a secret you'll never find. now those of you that know me, know bits of what i mean, ever wonder why i cover myself up? think what you haven't seen. there's bruises black as coal, a scratch, a handprint or fist, marks of torment, those days of pain, things i wanted to resist. and so i lost all self respect, i turned to the cliche, going out on weekends, drinking and smoking the night away. they say you get addicted, sex and drugs, it's true, but even if for just that night, i was away from all i knew. my best friend watched me sink to this, trying the best she could, but there was nothing to stop me, nobody that really would. and then i really hit rock bottom, for my kris was cruelly taken, and all because some twat in a car felt it right to drink to intoxication. you try losing the two you loved, the two who kept you whole, you try picking the pieces up of a life with no heart or soul. and then along came a guy you met, one night when you were pissed, told you you meant the world to him, said your heart he'd fix. but things are never so simple, and you're right, he upped and left, and there i was, just beginning to climb, my head left in a mess. and that's when i began to change, well, that's when i got ill, and things began to waver, time just didn't stand still. i feel that i have essayed, and this really isn't the start, but right now i'm overwhelmed, there's this aching in my heart. and you all ask me why, i seem so damned depressed, but you don't know the half of it, coz most of you have left.