I always believe I want a dirty little secret, but no matter
what I cannot keep it.  The excitement of only knowing
something on my own just makes my mind feel at home.  I
never get enough attention, so I wrongly look for it through
physical affection.  I can't help it that it makes me feel
overly good.  There's just nothing else that ever could. 
The stage fright controls every solo I play.  Not only is
that with cello, but also bass.  I shake and I anticipate
ticky notes coming up next, and then I quickly fuck up
again.  The times I tried to sip or smoke weed, honestly
made me fully despise me.  It was in the moment I thought it
would make me feel better, take me to some new pleasure. 
Anger can control my opinions and fears and I let those
grudges stay held for years.  But it's no different when I
care because even if the person hates me, in any situation,
I'd be there.  Procrastination is my best friend and we
never along too well toward the end.  I'm not sure whatever
set me so far back, but since I was young, I've never been
able to break that.  Half the time I love bineg alone like
this, but secretly I want to get married and have two kids. 
I try not to be selfish, manipulative, and mean, but
commitment and Valentine's Day just aren't my scene. 
Perhaps I'll never be happy and carefree, or I'll truly love
little heartless me.  Maybe now I'm happy and I don't know
it, or tomorrow I'll realize I am and go off to blow it. 
Living is harder than I ever thought it to be.  And then
evolution had to go and add feelings.

[  ]