- Whine 
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon 
- Listen to a painting 
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat 
- Race ferrets
- Paint your house...Day-Glow Orange 
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Learn Greek 
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Watch the sun...see if it moves
- Build a pyramid 
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Spit shine your Nikes 
- See how long you can stay awake
- See how long you can sleep 
- Paint your teeth 
- Wear a salad 
- Speak with a forked tongue
- Paint stripes on a lake 
- Ski Kansas 
- Sleep in freefall
- Kill a Joule 
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license 
- Do a good job
- Crawl 
- Invite the Mansons over for dinner
- Paint your windows 
- Watch a watch until it stops
- Flash your goldfish 
- Paint
- Flirt with an evergreen 
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily 
- Paint a smile
- Shoot a fire hydrant 
- Apologize to it 
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself 
- Get mad at yourself
- Stop speaking to yourself 
- Be a side effect
- Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley 
- Duck
- Redecorate...your garage 
- Develop a complex
- Join the Army...be someone simple 
- Try harder
- Hit the deck 
- Put leg-warmers on your furniture
- Cut the deck 
- Crumple
- Translate Shakespeare into English 
- Skydive to church
- Cheer up a potato 
- Do aerobic exercises...in your head
- Play cards with your swimming pool 
- Pinstripe your driveway
- Play Kick the Fire Hydrant 
- Harness chipmunk power
- Build a house with ice cubes 
- Call London for a cab
- Mug a stop sign 
- Change your name...daily
- Go for a walk in your attic 
- Challenge your neighbor to a duel
- Build a house out of toothpicks 
- Howl
- Wear a lampshade on your head 
- Memorize the dictionary
- Stomp grapes in the bathtub 
- Find a bug and chase it
- Make yourself a pair of wings 
- Be immobile
- Dance 'til you drop 
- Check under chairs for chewing gum
- Squish a loaf of bread 
- Moo
- Bounce a potato 
- Outmaneuver your shadow
- Climb the walls 
- Appreciate everything
- Challenge yourself to a duel 
- Make napalm
- Tattoo your dresser
- Watch a bowling ball
- Buy some diapers
- Eat everything
- Begin
- Pour milk in the sink
- Make cottage cheese
- Tie-dye your sheets 
- Carpet your ceiling 
- Hold your earlobes
- Fold your earlobes
- Flap
- Squawk
- Read tea leaves
- Analyze the Koran
- Be Buddha
- Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
- Plug in the cat
- Turn on everything
- Drop pebbles down the chimney
- Turn off your neighbor
- Kill a plant
- Buy a 1931 Almanac
- Memorize the weather section
- Think lewd thoughts about yourself
- Blow bubbles
- Send chills down your spine 
- Peel grapes 
- Make paper from the skins
- Bloat
- Catch them with your radiator
- Get run over by a train of thought
- Make up famous sayings
- Bite your pinkie

- Get your dog braces 
- Shave a shrub
- Have a proton fight 
- Watch a car rust
- Quiver 
- Rotate your carpet
- Learn to type...with your toes 
- Set up your Christmas tree in April
- Be someone special 
- Buy the Brooklyn Bridge 
- Mail it to a friend 
- Go back to square one
- Factor your social security number 
- Take the fifth
- Memorize a series of random numbers 
- Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
- Join the Foreign Legion 
- Learn Sanskrit
- Exist...existentially, of course 
- Print counterfeit Confederate money
- Kick a cabbage 
- Take a picture
- Put it back 
- Sandpaper a mushroom 
- Play solitaire...for cash 
- Abuse your patio furniture
- Run for Pope 
- Count to a million...fast
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock 
- Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
- Revert 
- Think shallow thoughts
- Starch your shoes
- Polish your Calvin's 
- Contemplate a cockroach
- Get a dog to chase your car 
- Let him catch it 
- Investigate the Czar
- Form a political party
- Climb a sidewalk 
- Have a political party
- Get diagonal...with a good friend 
- Ride a loaf of bread
- Sharpen a carrot 
- Interrogate a gerbil
- Go bow hunting for Toyotas
- Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids 
- Jump back
- Play to lose 
- Scalp a street light
- Have your car painted...plaid 
- Read a tomato
- Sharpen your sleeping skills 
- Watch a game show...take notes
- Put out a fire
- If you can't find a fire, make one 
- Interview a cloud
- Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
- Play basketball...in a minefield 
- Don't talk to things
- Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling 
- Have your cat bronzed
- Have your gerbil gilded 
- Write books about writing books
- Create random equations 
- Mispell words
- Tell your feet a joke 
- Throw a tomato into a fan
- Sing the ABC song backwards 
- Pretend you're a dog
- Dial-a-prayer and argue with it 
- Grease the doorknobs
- String up a room 
- Stack furniture
- Relive fond memories 
- Tie your shoelaces together
- Gargle 
- Count your teeth with your tongue
- Decay 
- Find your half-life
- Design a better toilet seat