circle of my life

i have so much pain inside, i feel so violated scars open wide. Its so hard to hide what is real, i wish in someways that i couldnt feel. I wish that i had no emotions, then i could handle all lifes commotions. I look at my life and all i see, Is a dark, deep,mysterious me. No achievments, no set tasks, Is happiness to much to ask? Controlled is what my life has been, None of my own choices- done what other have expected to have seen. I wish i could be 'perfect', no bad past and no defects. I wish i could be really strong, To get through all lifes wrongs. I hate paying for others mistakes, I wish i could just slow it down-just put on the brakes. I wish i had no fears, and no reason for tears. I wish i would not doubt so much, Because it makes me loose touch. Touch with what could have been-or could be, but..no decisions i can make i cant break free. I dont no what im trying to ask? Show me life not hidden by a mask? Innocent anf fun, Good times that cannot be undone. But as soon as the sun starts to shine, I can say im fine. Bit soon something bad will come my way, and once again i will pay. Pay for what im unsure? But that is not the end there is more. my life will never be what i want it to be, Will i ever be free? I wish it would just stay good, Then rust in this life i could. Nevr happy- always sad, Something wants to make me mad. It thrives in me ending my life, And i keep fantiscing about this knife. I single cut to my wrist depply into the skin, But why the fuck should i give in? It hard to fight these feelings when i feel i have nothing to live for, I just want that exit- that open door!