fingers down my throat

im standing here, over the toilet, fingers down my throat. trying to think of things, and remembered what you wrote. you told me not to harm myself, in any certain way. but i cant find a will, so i do it everyday. i make myself throw up, so that i dont gain a pound. i turn on the sink to drown the noise, hoping you cant hear that sound. i look at the food on my plate, it disgusts me, soon ill be throwing it up i can feel it in my throat, i can feel it rising up. i wonder what my dad would think, hes probably flipping in his grave. but i dont wanna think of that, because i know im not that brave. i know i have a problem, and it starts with the letter "B" ive tried to tell a friend, but apparently she cant see. so im standing here, over the toilet, fingers down my throat. once again thinking of things, and still remember what you wrote. 05-06-09 * i never could figure out a way to write about this till i read somebody elses work, she inspired me, and you might know who you are, i commented your poetry 05-06-09 and i told you i couldnt put it in words, thank you, ive found a way *