First Goodbye of the Heart

I have spent the silent spaces trying to define us. I have lingered on the audio, I have circled every pixel. But neither sound nor image tells me the secret. We dip in and out of darkness, we step in and out of light. I have these mountains growing down my spine; slowly crushed by the ceaseless questions but never crawling away. And you stay too: here with me. This isn't healthy, we say, I can't breathe, we say. But we wilt without each other. I wish I could wrap the truth in fog, wind it up in ghostly sheets. I flick the flashlight again and again, looking for the strength to live without you. I'd rather die. I almost did. Goodbye means nothing between us. It's been said so many times before. And each time one look, one kiss, one touch and we surrender. This constant fight; stay or go, stay or go? But it's not that simple. We press pause, we hide in each other's arms. I let you lift the mountains for a little while, place them on your bedside table. We speak of freedom but are poisoned by jealousy. Three years of being everything and we don't know how to live anymore. This would be so much easier if you weren't my first love.