feelings of insecurity sweep all over me, 
feelings of sadness try to make me see. 
these things i dont want to believe are real,
things i do not want to feel.
anger, hurt and fear,
suddenly harm is near. 
so close to me that i can feel it prickle drown my spine,
wanting to crush me so all i can do is whine.
the past is bleak i want the present to be fine,
love, happiness and some wine:).
part of me thinks its not what i deserve,
somehow i make it alter-make it curve. 
do i intentionally set myself up to fail?
when will i be on the right rail?
why do i still think i do not deserve happiness?
sitting here now i think i do- but my its my consciousness.
why do the people i truly care for keep pushing me away?
finding better things- tis my dismay.
perhaps i should just stop thinking,
be a robot for a while-- just sinking...
into a pit i cant get out of cause i try not to feel,
telling myself its better this way but instead destiny i do
seal.
depression, anxiety and no self esteem, 
exactly as my past it would seem. 
this cycle i must break,
my purpose in life i must state...
all i want is to help the people who are hurting- to be
loved and find happiness,
a sense of security thus the 'calmness'.
this is what i want and what i need to feel,
now just to make it real.