What The Hell Am I Doing?

What the hell am i doing? i have an issue not like most people do you see my issue is terrible no one will ever know i have no other choice then to do this to myself for if i where to hurt him i'd hurt me as well you see i've been hurting for awhile but now i know i can set my pain free i thought he loved me sweetly but you see he did not im losing my grib on reality i wish to find myself back in his heart but he really doesnt car you see i cant show him that im really falling apart all he can see is smiles for i show him none of my tears everyone says he should know but thats my biggest fear you see if he were to find out he would just turn and walk away not really caring if i was okay so i hide all my feelings you see i hurt myslef but i will never tell him so i close my eyes tightly and let my blood flow you see i try hiding it so he doesn't see past my show So what the hell am i doing? i should tell that im suffering im done with pretending im ready for him to know that my love for him hasnt died you see it just grows and grows i really want to show him what losing him caused but i have no clue how so i'm writtng this for him hoping he'll understand for he's the only one that holds my heart in his hands.