Leap of Faith

you say to just let it out this is harder then it sounds just write you say, or just say it dont think about it just say it, there is no way for me to think about it fills my head. i dont know whatn i am supposed to say to you i dont know what i could say that would show you how i feel, If i stop to think about it then i know i will never say it not ever and i will always have regret for the rest of my life but that is nothing new i should be used to that by now, for my entire life people have left me behind or found someone better why should it be any different now, i dont know why i wasted your time or your emotions, i dont deserve any of them, i write for you so i dont go crazy with hurt, my writing is... to put simply painful to remove from my body it must be thought about to think about it i have to accept that you dont want me, to accept that i have to tell myself the truth the lat person in the world that i want to tell the truth to. i cant think of any other way to say these things. i cant juts sit back and watch this play happen around me, i want to be the leading role, i want to be your somebody, i want to be the savior from the loneliness and i cant because there is already someone alese in that spot and i cant change anything about that not now not ever, i dont want to accept it and i probably never will but i hate the thought and it hurts everytime i think about it, my heart races my breath quickens, Just friends is racing through my head again and again. I am letting it out now one last time before i take back to waiting for how ever long i have to wait, I know in my heart within every fiber of who i am that i could be yours i could make you happy i could love you, i dont want to say it because saying it hurts just as bad as eccepting it, i know you could love me, i know you think about it, why cant i say this to you in person my voice is what makes my poetry, these words are just ink on paper when you read them, but to me these are my thoughts through and through. You fill me with feelings i thought were dead to me that i would never feel again, I know within myself that we could be together, and i guess i will have to hang on to that hope like a life line, when i was talking about the chair of life and chopping off the legs i was thinking you, i was destroying what was keeping me alive by hurting you,i just dont know how to say what i want to say, i vent to this keyboard and it just doesnt mean anything when you read it, these words cannot compare to my verbal words, i cant put hurt confusion and love into a keyboard it just doesnt happen. i dont have anywhere i can hide these emotions they just keep running out of me and maiking me look like the ass that i am, why would anyone ever want to be with me i ask myself this and i dont have any answers, I am scared of the ending of this story, i am afraid to let you go, i dont know what to say that will make you see, when you look up from my poems with a smile it feels so good, and then i get a thumbs up and oh this is really good and it hurts that the deeper message cannot be felt not because you dont feel it but because i am to late, i feel myself getting colder and more tempermental i dont want to be that guy, the angry loser, even if thats what i am i wont let you see me that way, thats not who i am it is who i make myself, i will do anything that is asked of me, i cast this pain away from me thay say pain is weakness leaving the body, after this i should be as cold as remorseless as an executioner. I write this to you with higher hopes than i should allow myself to have, what will this piece of paper accomplish, absoluetly nothing by the way i see it, he sits near when ever i am such, he worries he will lose you to me, what the fuck do i have that he doesnt i am not worth anything in this world i have been convinced of that by the people around me, but you see me differently you see who i am what i could be, i am always looking down because my face only darkens a room, there is nothing about me worth looking at or even remembering, but you dont believe that you see me for me, i dont want these feelings to go away again, what i lost so long ago i have found again, i have waited for you for so long without even knowing what it was i was waiting for, i know that if i go back and re read this i will erase it and never do this again, i have hurt you this i know and now i tell you things i have told no one before, what am i thinking writing what will be laughed off as another nervous ramble, there is a point to my rambling, you, i dont know how to think when i think of you it fills me up with more emotions than i have ever had the capapbility of feeling, my fingers are shaking and my temples are pounding, images of what could be racing through my head, i dont care how you take this i am set up for a fall, i want you to know that i will gladly take the fall, for you i would take the leap, when i said i dont wait to be shot down i just jump i was dead serious, i am jumping now this piece of paper my leap of faith, but i bet you already gathered that, i am nothing special, i see you in the night your voice calls to me through my mind, it tells me to do this to let it all out, ifyou are two steps from the edge than i am on my way over the ledge just to see if you will catch me, i take my leap of faith you hold the wings in your hand there are three of us falling and you hold two sets of wings, that is no a place i like to imagine but i know i would dive bomb and not take the wings if the scenario ever arose, you cant save someone who doesnt want to be saved, but thats the thing i do want to be saved but its not your responsobility to save me, i did this to myself and i deserve to fall, i will wait for you, of this you can be sure whether in the shadows or the bottom of the cliff, It all dependson my leap of fath.