Learning From My Past

i did not write this as the days pass slowly and the weeks creep by i find myself obsessing about ways that i could die i lay awake at night thinking of my pain theres no way it can get better i have nothing left to gain suddenly thoughts of death are controlling my every move and every battle with my mind i always seem to lose i no longer want to be around the people that i love all that i can think about is whats waiting up above i cut my arms with razor blades to dull the pain inside but that can only last so long i dont want to be alive i manage to keep my composure when people are around they wouldnt understand me so i dont make a sound i smile when i have to i break down when i dont i know i should be strong but i also know i wont so i make a plan to take some pills it shouldnt take so long i write out notes to all my friends to read when i am gone i ask my mom to understand that life is just too hard my mind cant fight it anymore my heart is far too scarred i plan it out so perfectly i even set the date im pretty sure im ready i know this is my fate my bed is made up neatly as i take them one by one i start to feel a little scared i know im almost done all that i can think about is how im letting go and how much i love my family i really hope they know my eyes are getting heavy my body feels so week everything inside is numb thats the way it has to be im glad that moms not here right now to watch me slowly die but still i wish that i could say i love you and goodbye i give into the darkness i slowly slip away i hope i go to heaven where dark night turns to day i wake up in confusion i dont know where i am is this heaven or is it hell the land of the eternally damned there are people all around me although i can barely see i can hear the soothing voices of people dear to me my family and friends are here comforting one another i can hardly make out any words until i hear my mother each tear she cries feels like a knife stabbing at my soul i let my pain and suffering blind me from my goal at one point i was determined to make it through this test to lead a life of fulfillment and to do my very best but i some how lost all sight of that i hope she can forgive a promise not to waste my second chance to live i sit up in my hospital bed tears streaming down my cheeks my mother rushes over crying like she hasnt seen me in weeks i tell her that im sorry for causing her so much strife i tell her that i will succeed in leading a better life together we figured out a way for me to get some help i know that i can go to her instead of doing it by myself i know that its not over yet its a long road up ahead but i appreciate the little things because i could be dead ive learned to live each passing day as if it were my last i look forward to the future and im learning from my past