i did not write this

as the days pass slowly
and the weeks creep by
i find myself obsessing 
about ways that i could die

i lay awake at night
thinking of my pain
theres no way it can get better
i have nothing left to gain

suddenly thoughts of death 
are controlling my every move
and every battle with my mind
i always seem to lose

i no longer want to be around
the people that i love
all that i can think about
is whats waiting up above

i cut my arms with razor blades
to dull the pain inside
but that can only last so long
i dont want to be alive

i manage to keep my composure
when people are around
they wouldnt understand me
so i dont make a sound

i smile when i have to
i break down when i dont
i know i should be strong
but i also know i wont

so i make a plan to take some pills
it shouldnt take so long
i write out notes to all my friends 
to read when i am gone

i ask my mom to understand 
that life is just too hard
my mind cant fight it anymore
my heart is far too scarred

i plan it out so perfectly
i even set the date
im pretty sure im ready
i know this is my fate

my bed is made up neatly 
as i take them one by one
i start to feel a little scared
i know im almost done

all that i can think about 
is how im letting go
and how much i love my family
i really hope they know

my eyes are getting heavy
my body feels so week
everything inside is numb
thats the way it has to be

im glad that moms not here right now
to watch me slowly die
but still i wish that i could say 
i love you and goodbye

i give into the darkness 
i slowly slip away 
i hope i go to heaven
where dark night turns to day

i wake up in confusion
i dont know where i am
is this heaven or is it hell
the land of the eternally damned

there are people all around me
although i can barely see
i can hear the soothing voices
of people dear to me

my family and friends are here
comforting one another
i can hardly make out any words
until i hear my mother

each tear she cries feels like a knife
stabbing at my soul
i let my pain and suffering
blind me from my goal

at one point i was determined
to make it through this test
to lead a life of fulfillment
and to do my very best

but i some how lost all sight of that
i hope she can forgive
a promise not to waste
my second chance to live

i sit up in my hospital bed
tears streaming down my cheeks
my mother rushes over crying
like she hasnt seen me in weeks

i tell her that im sorry
for causing her so much strife
i tell her that i will succeed
in leading a better life

together we figured out a way
for me to get some help
i know that i can go to her
instead of doing it by myself

i know that its not over yet
its a long road up ahead
but i appreciate the little things
because i could be dead

ive learned to live each passing day
as if it were my last
i look forward to the future
and im learning from my past