I would kill myself. For him. I love him. I realize now
that these thoughts come from the guilt I feel from having
sex in the first place, which is why I ask God to forgive me
and take away my desires of lust. I do not want to do this
anymore. I just want to stop. I want to believe that we can
have a relationship without sex. I just want it to be
perfect. It's never perfect. It will never be perfect. Why
can't my life be perfect? Sometimes I feel like he hates me.
Like he wishes he never met me like he wishes he could have
someone else. Someone perfect like him. He is perfect. I
love him. I will always love him. I just want him to be
happy and I feel like I can't make him the happiest that he
could possibly be. Even if I can't make him happy, I pray
that someone can do that for him because he deserves to be
happy. But don't I deserve to be happy too? I can't leave
him. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. And trust me I don't
want to leave him. I feel an attachment toward him that can
never be broken. I can't live without him. But if I had to I
would because I want him to be happy. If going to bed
without saying goodnight to me is what makes him happy then
so be it. I will live with that. If being distant during or
conversations is what makes him happy then I'll let him,
without any complaints. If making me feel as though he
doesn't love me and that he never even did is what makes him
happy, I will be unloved by him. If someone else will make
him happier, then let her. because I don't want to be the
one to hold him back. He's so great. He is going to do such
big things in life. He is perfect. I just hope that if he
does one day decide to leave me that he leaves me for
someone real, someone truly perfect, like him.