No one ever warns you about the flip side to love:
fear.

The moment you love somebody so much
that your own survival depends on being with them,
you start to fear.

When the happiness is so real, so tangible,
you can't help but wonder,
"What would happen to me if I lost this person?"

That's the bittersweet truth you learn
when you have found your soulmate.

Never again will you live without fear,
without this deep, frightened thing, hiding within you.

Never can we possess the light
without living in fear of the darkness.

I am fucking terrified.

How much I love you is dangerous,
the way you love me equally in return is lethal.

To know someone so intimately,
to feel their soul glowing within them,
to explore their minds,
to feel immediate peace in their arms.

To be yourself and to be accepted,
totally, without judgment,
and to feel safe and whole.

What we have is sacred.

The way we are together,
our own private language,
the way we play,
the way we make love,
our jokes and our conversations -
we are something special,
something irreplaceable.

The fear is strong.
What if I were to lose you?

My future has become a kaleidoscope of colour,
imagining the life we could have together.
My present is ever precious because I'm with you.

There is always that feeling of distrusting this happiness
because I don't know what I have done to deserve it.
I feel like if I accept it, or take it for granted for one
second,
it will be taken away from me.

So I'm living a dream and fighting the shadows.

I try not to look at the fantasies too closely
lest I should somehow endanger them by assuming they could
happen,
that I will be allowed to have this.

You hold my left hand and I tease you about buying me a
ring.  You look into my eyes and say,
"I fully intend to one day."
The moment is intense.  I can't wait to call you my fiance.
I can't wait to stand beside you in a wedding gown
and tell you my vows.

"I love you so fucking much," you breathe in my ear,
and I can feel in your words your own fear at harboring such
a strong bond.
I imagine us traveling the world together,
sharing that sense of wonder and adventure,
making amazing memories together.
 
"I can't wait to make babies with you," you tell me
and it's about the sexiest thing you've ever said.
I day dream about your hands on my pregnant tummy,
about putting your child in your arms for the first time.
I know you will be an amazing father.

All of these fantasies play through my subconscious
and I try not to look at them too closely -
I don't want to jeopardize the possibility
that one day they will come true.

Why does nobody ever warn you?