Mirror image

Why distract you from the simplicity of my words with a stage? I may have just crawled up from under you but I don't want to be above you either. We want to stand in front of you , riddled in our flaws, exposing all my mistakes, so you could stop being haunted by yours. I use to be a liar, any story that made me seem more interesting, anything to make friends. So caught up in my story telling, I didn't realize I was the 9yr old girl on the cold gymnasium floor. Deep in meditation i saw the 3 older boys take turns touching me, I knew it was me because I felt my little body react before my mind under stood what was happening. I was confused, they said they wanted to play with me, I thought we would be friends. I remember forgetting but my body never did. It never forgot all the fights we got into, the missing patches of hair ripped out. My classmates were filled with such rage and I was the oldest of 3 little brothers. So I took the brunt of all of it, I ll be damned if they did. But I didn't fight back, just distracted them from what was mine. I couldnt comprehend it then but I had nothing to be angry about to hit back, they conviced me i was a punk but i didnt feel scared, until that one day in the cafeteria and it happened so fast I didn't know what I did. I must have been fed up because I soaked up all the anger around me and unleashed it all on my latest tormentor. I only knew because of all the cheering and pats on the back but I remember feeling dirty and an urgency to say sorry to who ever would listen. I begged my mom to put me in karate, I knew I couldnt fight back but at least i would be reassured that i could defend myself, that i wasnt a coward, that i had some control. Not hitting back would become just an unknown choice but for some reason i was ok with that. Couldnt afford classes for 5 kids so eventually we would go through the rest of our lives running and  learning to be touched, just to have companionship. I would lie and say my father died, it felt better than knowing he was out there ignoring me. He was a very talented artist but I heard he was a piece of shit, I wanted noting to be like hime so I stopped drawing. Stopped writing because my words didn't rhythm and I loved to sing but couldn't stop singing from my nose. Religion made me believe I would go to hell for wearing pants so riding a bike and sports was out of the question. The only fulfilling thing I ended up doing was giving birth to a little girl but i didnt feel worthy of her either. Went from one abusive relationship to another, until I couldn't stand to be touched anymore. My daughter called another woman mommy and stuffed elephants were my only friends. I saw no reason to keep breathing, with a belly full of pills in a dark room, I faded away but not before I heard a voice that refused to let me go. I came back to find out who found me so worthy and why did she sound so familiar. I only heard her in the silence though, so I became a quiet recluse and I listened. She told me, pain demands to be felt, so as my life unraveled before my eyes, I didn't move, just sat inside myself  and let the waterfall rain from my eyes. Its uncomfortable when your so use to running but after awhile my hands vibrated, my chest started cracking and I swore my brain had a heart beat. She showed me the mistakes that were never mine and that we are all victims cursed by generations of fear. She told me that my only responsibility is my happiness and to use my weaknesses to my advantage. She taught me to break down this F.alse E.vidence A.pleasing R.eal and to see the transparencies of my doubt. This close to myself I had no choice but to see what I was truly made of and as my soul welcomed me home, she said, you don't have to work for love that you were already  created from. Relief flooded me and I felt like dancing. I had to tell everybody, that it's not work if you do it because of love. Their are no expectations when we stop fighting what we hate and protect what we love. So I vow to only walk in vulnerability in the hopes that you would recognize yourself through me. You ll never need a mirror if I m right here!!!