Insecurity (rips a hole in my heart..)

i'm sorry i can't be the girl you've created in your mind. i'm sorry for turning out to not be much of a find. i'm sorry, as much as it evokes delight in this crippled heart, i can't believe you have love for me; i wish there were substance to our spark. now it's come time to reveal to you the truth. my insecurities are building, and keeping my neck tied in this emotional noose. i don't know why i am so terrified; i'd almost rather jump from my platform than open up to you. but i can't keep living this "might-as-well-be" lie. it's unbarably frustrating to try to become comfortable again. i've been trying so hard, but i've been like this for so long, i can only wait for time to mend. you keep me running back into this dead end. i guess you could never know i guess you could never see that the way things are were never the way i wanted them to be. but the problem isn't you, the problem will always be me. deep down and underneath, there is something wrong. and softly plays my broken melody; a painful and constant remdinder that an important part of me is gone; that i have to re-build and re-write my long forgotten song. i smell my own heart-wrenching defeat. i haven't killed her yet but her battered and mangled body lays blood-soaked at my feet. i'm crying and i'm screaming inside the part that was missing has recently returned but i've deprieved her, and she's about to die. her tears are my tears and they are present, you can be sure. i wish that i could just go back and make things the way they were. i never wanted it to be like this. i only wanted a perfect love, a perfect bliss. it feels so unnatural to push this out and even if you don't understand please just listen, you'll see what this is about. there's another side of me, that i'm slowly trying to let free. but i've hidden her so long i think i've destroyed her personality. there is so much she used to know, she used to be all, "go, go, go!" and there is so much she knows now that restrains her, yelling, "no, no, no!". she used to be completely care-free, but she lost all of it being repeatedly stung by the same bee. so much has been stripped too many times did she trust and allow the same places to be ripped. she feels like such a joke, and like she's miles from ground trying to cross the tight rope. they all point and laugh it seems, and she's given up on hope. even though no one else gives in, until all light in her eyes has been choked. but she's fighting for it back. sick of the hole, and sick of the crap. even though you intimidate her, and possess everything she's come to lack. but it's come to a point where this will either make or break her; trying to remember the excitement in not being sure. she's fallen again, and head over heels. there are no questions asked, she knows this is real. in fact, it's so real for her but she can't quite let go. what she really wants to do and say has remained impossible to show. it's become so hard just to try and be her, but every so often, past qualities stir. what used to be done on impulse now requires extensive thought. and it's in fighting these two sides that i beg so badly to be shot. love michelle.