Lost In The Dark (story)...

She walked as if in a trance, her glowing green eyes appeared to be glazed and her deep brown hair blew carelessly around her shoulders in the early evening breeze. She walked until she came across a tree. Her tree. She fell to the ground and leant against the trunk. She was breaking apart because of all the things in her head. She couldn’t cope. Taking a small blade from her pocket, she attempted to free some of these thoughts, a desperate action to be rid of some of the pain she felt. Bringing the blade down with effortless precision she caught her wrists. Watching the crimson liquid flow from her veins, she felt a sense of welcomed release, but this only lasted a few minutes at the most. Ashamed, she buried her head in her hands and tried to clean herself up before slowly wandering back to the place she had to call home. Walking through the streets, her mind flashed back to past events that she constantly dwelled upon at night. A single tear fell from the corner of her eye and streaked a lonely path down her shockingly pale skin. Pausing to check her wrists, she saw something flicker in the shadow. More alert now she picked up her pace and hurried home where she found the house deserted, only the loneliness calling to her. She turned her key in the lock and the door swung open. Closing the door behind her, all the memories came flooding back: the way he stood there, the way he pushed her into the corner, the way he dragged her upstairs by her hair, her desperate cries for help that remained unanswered, the way he forced her to do things against her will, his putrid breath as he kissed her, the stench of his aftershave as he pressed himself on her, the painful feeling each time he touched her, the glint in his eye after he had finished. Each time she remembered just laying on her bed, crying to herself, before getting up and pulling herself together, hiding it from everyone. Each night as she lay in bed, she recalled some of the things that happened there. She couldn’t call her house “home” anymore, it was tainted with memories of him and the torture she endured. Now she was grown up, she found herself asking why it had happened, why she was being punished. She had been a good child; always caring for the family when her parents had little time for her and her sister, but god had obviously decided it wasn’t enough. She despised god now, he had not answered her prayers, had not come to her aid in her time of need. She had lost her faith. The one thing she had been taught to turn to, the one person she felt would listen…he was gone. Alone now, she sat and cried. She hadn’t slept properly for as long as she could remember, always haunted by the most harrowing of nightmares. Tonight she sat on the very edge of her bed and looked out of the window, gazing up at the moon and the few stars that punctured the night sky. She wondered if Louise was looking down on her, for the loneliness she felt since she had left was filling her to the point of agony. Little knew of the bond they shared, the strength of their friendship was so strong nothing could break them up. Until now. Louise had died a month ago, slipped into a coma after being knocked down by a car. The pain she felt at losing the one person she knew would be with her forever, through the good and the bad, was gone. She had shed so many tears for the one she called her sister, each night lighting a candle, a sign of respect she knew she would carry on forever. She felt guilty. She had never had the time to say goodbye, to make that precious trip to do her closest friend the one courtesy she owed her. She sighed and turned her gaze to a different star, this time wondering if the other she had lost was watching over her. He was the closest thing she had to a father, and now he was gone, just like Louise. She cherished each memory she had of him, the smiles, the laughs, even the tears, nothing could take these from her, they were forever etched in her mind in a place she would visit in her dreams if ever that were possible. This night she recalled how she had not got a chance to say goodbye, just as with Louise. She felt awful. The two closest people in her life, the only people she could trust and talk to were gone and she had not even said goodbye. She sobbed into her pillow, clutching her favourite bear tight, she felt five years old again, not the sixteen year old she was now. She wanted her mum, wanted someone to reach out and help her, wanted to be able to trust again, anything but the void she now felt. Over the years, she had tried to seek solace in different things. She would read, lose herself in the fantasy land that books created, a world so far from the one she was trapped in. she would paint, although she was not good at it, but it helped release some of the emotions trapped inside, soothe her in ways nothing else could. Most recently she had turned to the piano more and more, finding she could lose herself in the music. Each time she played it was as if there were an invisible barrier between her and the rest of the world, one that would let nothing through, where she could be herself and not fear. She wouldn’t perform though; nobody heard her music but herself, because nobody appreciated. The one who did was gone, and she couldn’t bring herself to play for any other, it was her escape not anyone else’s. She would play for hours, each time perfecting the pieces she worked so hard at. But the thoughts still loomed, and each time she didn’t get it right she would punish herself. She felt she was doing wrong by playing things incorrectly, failing the great masters and her tutor. She put this right in her mind though; each time she messed up she would gently slide a pin into her wrist, not enough to make it bleed, but enough to make it painful. She would then continue to play, the pain pushing her to get it right, to play it perfect. The night clouded over and she fell into an uneasy sleep, tossing and turning under the small blanket that covered her, she woke up drenched in a cold sweat, unable to recall just exactly what she had seen. Sitting up suddenly, she looked around the dark of the room, expecting to see things hidden in the shadows. This childish fear of the dark, of the unknown, had existed most of her life, and she had yet to be rid of it. Sliding off her bed, she stood up and wandered to the door. Flicking the light on she looked around to check her surroundings. She sank to the floor and hugged her legs. Resting her chin on her knees, she gazed into nothing, thinking about someone who her mind had been fixed on for a while now. She was unsure why, but each time she would wake up from one of ‘her nights’ she would think of him. She thought back to the times she had spent with him, the times she had been truly happy without even trying, the way he had kissed her scars, told her he’d always be there for her. Recently she had felt it go wrong though, she felt they had drifted apart, she was losing him. This hit her hard and she began to cry silently, not knowing what to do. She wanted to see him again, to tell him how she felt, but she knew she couldn’t and his feelings had probably changed so she tried her hardest to move on. Time went on, and the months passed. The loss still eating away at her, the future seemed bleak, she had nothing. To those around her she was changing, they could sense it. She was fading away, losing her heart and her soul, becoming empty, soon there would be nothing left and she knew that, but she didn’t feel like she was worth saving. The rain lashed down on the pavement as she walked the desolate road to her place of sanctuary, her place where she could be alone with her thoughts. Sitting against the tree, she noticed something in the shadows once again. The first time this had happened it had startled her, now it happened so often she was curious as to what it was. She would sometimes talk to this unknown object in the shadows, feeling as though it was something she could trust not to go running off and telling everyone. Never telling everything though, she would just say a little of what was on her mind. This night, the moon shifted slightly illuminating the shadows and what they hid in their dark blanket. The light fell upon a person, his blue eyes fixed upon her. She ran at that point, ran as fast as she could, because she knew who it was and she felt mortified that it was he who she had told these things to, for she never intended any living soul to hear her problems. Collapsing, she buried her head in her hands and gasped for breath. She had never meant for him to hear any of her inane ramblings, he was the one thing alone she felt she had to hold on to. As fear flooded through her empty veins, cold, guilt-ridden tears rolled down her cheeks. The image of him sitting there was stuck in her mind and she needed to rid herself of it. She was so stupid to have put blind trust into something, but nevertheless it had happened, and now she was paying the price. She had to punish herself, to put it right in her own mind. Once again taking out her small blade, she brought it down across her wrists, but she didn’t stop there. By the time she had finished she was weeping and her whole body was soaked in crimson from the bloody gashes that covered her delicate skin. Losing the fight to stay conscious, she lay down on the damp grass and closed her eyes, allowing the pain to wash over her and take her mind off the emotional turmoil she was in. The sun was rising in the east, bringing with it a new day and the distant sound of birds singing. She awoke with a start, unsure of the night’s events to begin with, until the memories hit her hard. Recalling the images in her mind, she drew her torn clothes around her and curled into a small ball, tears flowing from her exhausted eyes. She wished she could change what happened, the things she had unknowingly said, but she knew she couldn’t. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him, but she felt she had pushed him away. Suddenly she felt the ground stir and a shadow of a person was cast over her. Her eyes would not focus; she could only stare blankly upwards. Reaching out, she tried to get to her feet, but an overwhelming wave of nausea cam over her and she collapsed, the blackness engulfing her. When she awoke, she was no longer lying on the moist grass, but had been taken to a small room where she was now wrapped in a blanket to keep her warm. Sitting up, she focused her eyes on the far corner where she sensed a presence hidden in the shadow. Getting to her feet, she stumbled across the room where a hand reached out to catch her as she tripped. As she fell she grabbed hold of this hand, and looked curiously into the darkness to see the person beyond. The light shifted, revealing a small strip of his face. She knew those eyes so well, but she didn’t want get her hopes up. He moved into the light and she was able to see clearly the one who had taken care of her, helped her. It was he. The one she had feared losing after all that had happened, was standing right in front of her looking at her with eyes full of concern. Tears prickled in her eyes as she tried to blink them away. She felt so helpless, so guilty, after everything he was still standing there. She sank to the floor in front of him, unsure what to do, how to feel, how to act. At that point he reached his arms out and hugged her, holding her close. She hugged him too as she hid her face from him, the tears now pouring down her face. She apologised for everything, but all he did was shake his head. He told her he was there and reassured her that he would always be there for her, beside her. They talked for hours, explaining things, talking things through. With his help, she was able to forget her problems and even make some of them better, and for this she was always thankful. Wandering alone one night, her mind was fixed on that night, the one in which her angel as she know referred to him, had saved her and given her everything. She thought about the things they had, the good things, and the dreams. She thought of all the things they had been through, all the things he had helped her through. She doubted he really knew just what he meant to her, but she couldn’t find the words to tell him. Things had got better since that day, and her life had seemed bearable for the time being at least. He was always there beside her, no matter what, just as she was for him. They were there for each other and they said they always would be, through the bad times and the good. But things were going wrong again, and she couldn’t bring herself to admit it to him. She needed help, but didn’t want to lose him. She had a future now, something she knew she had to hold onto with every last bit of strength she possessed. She was falling, alone and helpless, not wanting to hurt anyone or watch them suffer. She didn’t care she was going through it alone, as long as she didn’t cause others the unnecessary pain of going through things with her. This was her battle, and she was beginning to lose once again. Nothing changed her feelings for him though, and through it all she promised herself she would never lose it with him, never hurt him because it would destroy her. She loved him. Such a strong feeling, yet something that felt so natural. This was her ally, the one reason alone to fight her fight and come out victorious. She knew he was there, but she would never ask for his help, just grow stronger knowing he was always there to fall back on if the worst ever came. She knew she should tell him the truth, the situation she was in, the way she really felt, but she couldn’t. She hid it. Waiting for the moment she would be able to let him know, the day that her dreams would come true and she would have everything. She gazed at the moon, her world crashing down around her, but the one light that guided her through it all still standing. She knew things would get worse before they got better, but so long as she had him, she had a reason to carry on and get through the bad