She walked as if in a trance, her glowing green eyes
appeared to be glazed and her deep brown hair blew
carelessly around her shoulders in the early evening breeze.
She walked until she came across a tree. Her tree. She fell
to the ground and leant against the trunk. She was breaking
apart because of all the things in her head. She couldn’t
cope. Taking a small blade from her pocket, she attempted to
free some of these thoughts, a desperate action to be rid of
some of the pain she felt. Bringing the blade down with
effortless precision she caught her wrists. Watching the
crimson liquid flow from her veins, she felt a sense of
welcomed release, but this only lasted a few minutes at the
most. Ashamed, she buried her head in her hands and tried to
clean herself up before slowly wandering back to the place
she had to call home.

Walking through the streets, her mind flashed back to past
events that she constantly dwelled upon at night. A single
tear fell from the corner of her eye and streaked a lonely
path down her shockingly pale skin. Pausing to check her
wrists, she saw something flicker in the shadow. More alert
now she picked up her pace and hurried home where she found
the house deserted, only the loneliness calling to her.

She turned her key in the lock and the door swung open.
Closing the door behind her, all the memories came flooding
back: the way he stood there, the way he pushed her into the
corner, the way he dragged her upstairs by her hair, her
desperate cries for help that remained unanswered, the way
he forced her to do things against her will, his putrid
breath as he kissed her, the stench of his aftershave as he
pressed himself on her, the painful feeling each time he
touched her, the glint in his eye after he had finished.
Each time she remembered just laying on her bed, crying to
herself, before getting up and pulling herself together,
hiding it from everyone. Each night as she lay in bed, she
recalled some of the things that happened there. She
couldn’t call her house “home” anymore, it was tainted
with memories of him and the torture she endured. Now she
was grown up, she found herself asking why it had happened,
why she was being punished. She had been a good child;
always caring for the family when her parents had little
time for her and her sister, but god had obviously decided
it wasn’t enough. She despised god now, he had not
answered her prayers, had not come to her aid in her time of
need. She had lost her faith. The one thing she had been
taught to turn to, the one person she felt would listen…he
was gone. Alone now, she sat and cried.

She hadn’t slept properly for as long as she could
remember, always haunted by the most harrowing of
nightmares. Tonight she sat on the very edge of her bed and
looked out of the window, gazing up at the moon and the few
stars that punctured the night sky. She wondered if Louise
was looking down on her, for the loneliness she felt since
she had left was filling her to the point of agony. Little
knew of the bond they shared, the strength of their
friendship was so strong nothing could break them up. Until
now. Louise had died a month ago, slipped into a coma after
being knocked down by a car. The pain she felt at losing the
one person she knew would be with her forever, through the
good and the bad, was gone. She had shed so many tears for
the one she called her sister, each night lighting a candle,
a sign of respect she knew she would carry on forever. She
felt guilty. She had never had the time to say goodbye, to
make that precious trip to do her closest friend the one
courtesy she owed her. 
She sighed and turned her gaze to a different star, this
time wondering if the other she had lost was watching over
her. He was the closest thing she had to a father, and now
he was gone, just like Louise. She cherished each memory she
had of him, the smiles, the laughs, even the tears, nothing
could take these from her, they were forever etched in her
mind in a place she would visit in her dreams if ever that
were possible. This night she recalled how she had not got a
chance to say goodbye, just as with Louise. She felt awful.
The two closest people in her life, the only people she
could trust and talk to were gone and she had not even said
goodbye. She sobbed into her pillow, clutching her favourite
bear tight, she felt five years old again, not the sixteen
year old she was now. She wanted her mum, wanted someone to
reach out and help her, wanted to be able to trust again,
anything but the void she now felt.

Over the years, she had tried to seek solace in different
things. She would read, lose herself in the fantasy land
that books created, a world so far from the one she was
trapped in. she would paint, although she was not good at
it, but it helped release some of the emotions trapped
inside, soothe her in ways nothing else could. Most recently
she had turned to the piano more and more, finding she could
lose herself in the music. Each time she played it was as if
there were an invisible barrier between her and the rest of
the world, one that would let nothing through, where she
could be herself and not fear. She wouldn’t perform
though; nobody heard her music but herself, because nobody
appreciated. The one who did was gone, and she couldn’t
bring herself to play for any other, it was her escape not
anyone else’s. She would play for hours, each time
perfecting the pieces she worked so hard at. But the
thoughts still loomed, and each time she didn’t get it
right she would punish herself. She felt she was doing wrong
by playing things incorrectly, failing the great masters and
her tutor. She put this right in her mind though; each time
she messed up she would gently slide a pin into her wrist,
not enough to make it bleed, but enough to make it painful.
She would then continue to play, the pain pushing her to get
it right, to play it perfect.


The night clouded over and she fell into an uneasy sleep,
tossing and turning under the small blanket that covered
her, she woke up drenched in a cold sweat, unable to recall
just exactly what she had seen. Sitting up suddenly, she
looked around the dark of the room, expecting to see things
hidden in the shadows. This childish fear of the dark, of
the unknown, had existed most of her life, and she had yet
to be rid of it. Sliding off her bed, she stood up and
wandered to the door. Flicking the light on she looked
around to check her surroundings. She sank to the floor and
hugged her legs. Resting her chin on her knees, she gazed
into nothing, thinking about someone who her mind had been
fixed on for a while now. She was unsure why, but each time
she would wake up from one of ‘her nights’ she would
think of him. She thought back to the times she had spent
with him, the times she had been truly happy without even
trying, the way he had kissed her scars, told her he’d
always be there for her. Recently she had felt it go wrong
though, she felt they had drifted apart, she was losing him.
This hit her hard and she began to cry silently, not knowing
what to do. She wanted to see him again, to tell him how she
felt, but she knew she couldn’t and his feelings had
probably changed so she tried her hardest to move on.

Time went on, and the months passed. The loss still eating
away at her, the future seemed bleak, she had nothing. To
those around her she was changing, they could sense it. She
was fading away, losing her heart and her soul, becoming
empty, soon there would be nothing left and she knew that,
but she didn’t feel like she was worth saving. The rain
lashed down on the pavement as she walked the desolate road
to her place of sanctuary, her place where she could be
alone with her thoughts. Sitting against the tree, she
noticed something in the shadows once again. The first time
this had happened it had startled her, now it happened so
often she was curious as to what it was. She would sometimes
talk to this unknown object in the shadows, feeling as
though it was something she could trust not to go running
off and telling everyone. Never telling everything though,
she would just say a little of what was on her mind. This
night, the moon shifted slightly illuminating the shadows
and what they hid in their dark blanket. The light fell upon
a person, his blue eyes fixed upon her. She ran at that
point, ran as fast as she could, because she knew who it was
and she felt mortified that it was he who she had told these
things to, for she never intended any living soul to hear
her problems. Collapsing, she buried her head in her hands
and gasped for breath.

She had never meant for him to hear any of her inane
ramblings, he was the one thing alone she felt she had to
hold on to. As fear flooded through her empty veins, cold,
guilt-ridden tears rolled down her cheeks. The image of him
sitting there was stuck in her mind and she needed to rid
herself of it. She was so stupid to have put blind trust
into something, but nevertheless it had happened, and now
she was paying the price. She had to punish herself, to put
it right in her own mind. Once again taking out her small
blade, she brought it down across her wrists, but she
didn’t stop there. By the time she had finished she was
weeping and her whole body was soaked in crimson from the
bloody gashes that covered her delicate skin. Losing the
fight to stay conscious, she lay down on the damp grass and
closed her eyes, allowing the pain to wash over her and take
her mind off the emotional turmoil she was in. 

The sun was rising in the east, bringing with it a new day
and the distant sound of birds singing. She awoke with a
start, unsure of the night’s events to begin with, until
the memories hit her hard. Recalling the images in her mind,
she drew her torn clothes around her and curled into a small
ball, tears flowing from her exhausted eyes. She wished she
could change what happened, the things she had unknowingly
said, but she knew she couldn’t. She couldn’t bear the
thought of losing him, but she felt she had pushed him away.
Suddenly she felt the ground stir and a shadow of a person
was cast over her. Her eyes would not focus; she could only
stare blankly upwards. Reaching out, she tried to get to her
feet, but an overwhelming wave of nausea cam over her and
she collapsed, the blackness engulfing her. 

When she awoke, she was no longer lying on the moist grass,
but had been taken to a small room where she was now wrapped
in a blanket to keep her warm. Sitting up, she focused her
eyes on the far corner where she sensed a presence hidden in
the shadow. Getting to her feet, she stumbled across the
room where a hand reached out to catch her as she tripped.
As she fell she grabbed hold of this hand, and looked
curiously into the darkness to see the person beyond. The
light shifted, revealing a small strip of his face. She knew
those eyes so well, but she didn’t want get her hopes up.
He moved into the light and she was able to see clearly the
one who had taken care of her, helped her. It was he. The
one she had feared losing after all that had happened, was
standing right in front of her looking at her with eyes full
of concern. Tears prickled in her eyes as she tried to blink
them away. She felt so helpless, so guilty, after everything
he was still standing there. She sank to the floor in front
of him, unsure what to do, how to feel, how to act. At that
point he reached his arms out and hugged her, holding her
close. She hugged him too as she hid her face from him, the
tears now pouring down her face. She apologised for
everything, but all he did was shake his head. He told her
he was there and reassured her that he would always be there
for her, beside her. They talked for hours, explaining
things, talking things through. With his help, she was able
to forget her problems and even make some of them better,
and for this she was always thankful.

Wandering alone one night, her mind was fixed on that night,
the one in which her angel as she know referred to him, had
saved her and given her everything. She thought about the
things they had, the good things, and the dreams. She
thought of all the things they had been through, all the
things he had helped her through. She doubted he really knew
just what he meant to her, but she couldn’t find the words
to tell him. Things had got better since that day, and her
life had seemed bearable for the time being at least. He was
always there beside her, no matter what, just as she was for
him. They were there for each other and they said they
always would be, through the bad times and the good.

But things were going wrong again, and she couldn’t bring
herself to admit it to him. She needed help, but didn’t
want to lose him. She had a future now, something she knew
she had to hold onto with every last bit of strength she
possessed. She was falling, alone and helpless, not wanting
to hurt anyone or watch them suffer. She didn’t care she
was going through it alone, as long as she didn’t cause
others the unnecessary pain of going through things with
her. This was her battle, and she was beginning to lose once
again. Nothing changed her feelings for him though, and
through it all she promised herself she would never lose it
with him, never hurt him because it would destroy her. She
loved him. Such a strong feeling, yet something that felt so
natural. This was her ally, the one reason alone to fight
her fight and come out victorious. She knew he was there,
but she would never ask for his help, just grow stronger
knowing he was always there to fall back on if the worst
ever came. She knew she should tell him the truth, the
situation she was in, the way she really felt, but she
couldn’t. She hid it. Waiting for the moment she would be
able to let him know, the day that her dreams would come
true and she would have everything. She gazed at the moon,
her world crashing down around her, but the one light that
guided her through it all still standing. She knew things
would get worse before they got better, but so long as she
had him, she had a reason to carry on and get through the
bad