Trying Too Hard.

i've gotten so lost on the road to myself. i've made it a labryinth and i allowed you to make me melt. so many twists and so many turns i'm sure it's all in my mind; a false sence of concern. i know it's not supposed to just come but i wish it would be fucking done. even with you here i feel alone and imcomplete and i don't think i'm ready as you put on the pressure and turn up the heat. so much change. it's strange to be working for something and the following week that something becomes nothing. am i supposed to know what i want? i don't always mean to taunt and i'm not always trying to flaunt. somewhere beyond the frustration and self mutilation i'll have a realization. and the pieces will suddenly fit; fall into place stop feeling like a race and competition. i'll find myself content and relax. this enormous weight will gently be lifted from my back. there will be new-found self love and self worth. based on more than looks or money or the contents of my purse. i'll finally be able to put away the hurt and the past. fall in love and make it last... but i'll never forget. because right now everything is so wrong. no one wants me. i'm not the same and i don't belong. staying here feeling chained for other's actions; i take the blame. stripping of respect to my name... all the wrong kinds of fame. no one wants to have me around somewhere i got lost and it's so hard to try and be found. i'm letting go and it really doesn't matter. not to me. not anymore. i've gotten used to the cold and feeling my body hitting the floor; more welcoming than home. i'm calling and i know you hear the ringing slowly picking up the phone no words but it's still stinging. i'm singing and i'm crying another day and i might as well be on the street. another meet and greet; you're embarrassed. tonight you throw me from the terrace. more tears and one more fake smile. i can tell it's going to be a while but it's coming. and i know i'm going to keep on running. jumping the gun keeping you guessing. deciding you haven't won. love michelle.