Steel Will

i threw them out in the trash i was in the bath and i saw my thighs and there was nothing more at that moment i wanted more then to take teh knife and keep score. i want to be normal so i threw them out thirteen razorblades i found but there were more... without doubt. i went to sleep and told myself it doesnt matter but whats wrong with me cant be quieted i've fought too long holding back tears. i flew down the stairs and grabbed a new blade jumped in my bed and let myself bleed. i sat for a while, looking at my wrists and back to the blade how such a thing would help me i couldnt figure out and it got to a point where i said fuck it i dont care and i drew up a line that blood soon poured out. sectioning off a sectoin of flesh, i began making crosses and watching the blood drip off my arm and onto the bed. fresh new steel gliding through fresh flesh new wounds nine tiny marks barely deep but still it's enough. blood pours out crimson red and i think of all the times you run through my head and i cant take it anymore i want it too much. this is the only way i can forget your soft touch. i held my arm adn cried and when i opened my eyes it was morning. i forgot all about the pain inside and now i have these tiny marks to hide. i dont want you to see but silently inside i want you to help me. what the hell am i s'posed to do? i need myself to get the fuck over you. xoxo Ellie J