Denied

When the snowflakes dance in the cold wet wind another tear dripping off another face staring silently out there searching frantically for their place. Turn down the music set the coffee for eight close your eyes and pray so hard to end the self hate. Cry yourself to sleep yet another night bleed another gash over an imaginary fight. The voices that speak speak loud and clear you're not good enough try harder next time im sorry, but you are a failure dear. no matter what you say no matter what you do no matter what you try you're just never good enough for you. it will never get any better when the voices leave you cry and ask come back, come back please. i'll work harder i'll be better i swear. just don't leave again i can't live without you there. i wont eat and i wont sleep i wont care. i wont think too deep. i'll sit in silence alone in the dark. i'll listen to your advice no matter how stark. everyday where ever you go they go too telling you what it is you should be and what to do. you listen in fear of what it might mean if one day those voices you couldn't hear. they bicker and fight they argue and scream you sit there quiet like a child in the doorway. words harsh, but true and each every day you start to hate yourself a new. the improvements are a list many miles long the time it would take you don't have becuase those voices tell you that you dont have long. you try real hard, as hard as you might but in the end you fail nothing turns out right in the end the battle was a worthless fight. you lose even if you win its a constant battle morals and drugs, sex and to be thin. do you really want to fit in or is the pain of the outside just right do you like it when you look in the mirror and gasp with fright? how does it feel when you see the real truth when you can't believe it everything is a lie from teh outside. inside is right inside knows you best to carry on alone without Ana and Mia without Ellie and Kyelle, to be just plan failure Kyle the girl who wasn't expected and who wasn't what was wanted. you aren't what you look like but inside you fear that is the outside was different you'd lose all that was gained. the hate you surpress and the love you deny. you feel like nobody is really your friend and yet you ask why? so this is how it comes to be that when they fight over myself inside of me i curl up in a ball and say fuck it. just fuck it all. fourteen hours of drug enduced sleep a heartache and stomach cramps and chest pains to last through the week disappointment in being so wrong i feel like the failure i knew i was all along. xoxo Ellie J