When the snowflakes dance
in the cold wet wind
another tear dripping off
another face
staring silently out there
searching frantically
for their place.

Turn down the music
set the coffee for eight
close your eyes
and pray so hard
to end the self hate.

Cry yourself to sleep
yet another night
bleed another gash
over an imaginary fight.

The voices that speak
speak loud and clear
you're not good enough
try harder next time
im sorry, but you are a 
failure dear.

no matter what you say
no matter what you do
no matter what you try
you're just never good enough for you.

it will never get any better
when the voices leave
you cry and ask
come back, come back please.
i'll work harder
i'll be better i swear.
just don't leave again
i can't live without you there.

i wont eat
and i wont sleep
i wont care.
i wont think too deep.
i'll sit in silence
alone in the dark.
i'll listen to your advice
no matter how stark.

everyday
where ever you go
they go too
telling you what it is
you should be and what to do.
you listen in fear
of what it might mean
if one day
those voices you couldn't hear.

they bicker and fight
they argue and scream
you sit there quiet
like a child in the doorway.
words harsh, but true
and each every day
you start to hate yourself a new.

the improvements are a list
many miles long
the time it would take
you don't have
becuase those voices tell you
that you dont have long.

you try real hard, 
as hard as you might
but in the end you fail
nothing turns out right
in the end
the battle was a worthless fight.

you lose even if you win
its a constant battle
morals and drugs, sex and to be thin.
do you really want to fit in
or is the pain of the outside just right
do you like it when you look in the mirror
and gasp with fright?

how does it feel when you
see the real truth
when you can't believe it
everything is a lie from teh outside.
inside is right
inside knows you best
to carry on alone
without Ana and Mia
without Ellie and Kyelle,
to be just plan failure Kyle
the girl who wasn't expected
and who wasn't what was wanted.

you aren't what you look like
but inside you fear
that is the outside was different
you'd lose all that was gained.
the hate you surpress
and the love you deny.
you feel like nobody is
really your friend
and yet you ask why?

so this is how it comes to be
that when they fight over
myself inside of me
i curl up in a ball
and say fuck it. just fuck it all.

fourteen hours of drug enduced sleep
a heartache and stomach cramps
and chest pains to last through the week
disappointment in being so wrong
i feel like the failure
i knew i was all along.

xoxo
Ellie J