i am changing.
i am engaging in a new part of my life,
and i am hating.

i'm trying to make sence of it
but the more i think
the more i regret it.

there is a fire,
it's getting higher.
it burns and it burns
but i'm still not sure what it wants.

what do you want?
why do you haunt..?
what am i doing wrong?
i know it's all gone
all that i was is gone.
i have changed,
and i didn't want to.
i have stayed the same
and in all the ways i didn't want to.

there has been so much that has changed.
so much unproductive change.
i have ended up back in the same place.
i didn't win the race.
not this time, not yet.
i fucked it up,
it wasn't enough.
is this a second chance?
i feel as if i've danced a pointless dance.

confusion, illusion, intrusion,
and more bruises.
for the first time in my life,
not much makes sence.
i'm sitting on the fence,
i can't get on the other side.
i can't get outside all of this..
i tried not to give a shit..
but i guess this is it.
i have to live with it.

i'm trying to come to terms,
i know where i am is what i deserve.
it was just so easy to take those drugs;
it was just so easy to fall in love.
drugs and love..
those were the days.

and just like that,
i complicated the crap out of everything that was,
temptation was too much of  shove.

i thought i was making everything right,
when i guess i was making everything wrong.
i have a feeling that fixing my life,
myself..
is going to take way too long.
and i might back out, just like before.
it would be so easy to just shut the door.
but that would just fuck up
and mess up way too much stuff.
and this stuff, my life,
is not just fluff.

i have to face this.
i have to own this.
i have to deal with what's next on the list.
i have to stop running,
i have to not hide,
or i might as well kiss my life goodbye.

and it's leaving.

i need to do something,
because i'm just not happy.
i need to check back into reality,
rediscover my sanity.. or insanity.
whatever isn't right, keeps pulling at me.
whatever isn't right, feels worth the fight.

xxxx michelle.