I wish I had been there 
When you needed me

Why was I always there
When you needed someone
And never there
When you needed me?

I didn't mean to go away
When you were at that point
Of life and death
I would have stayed
Or came back
If you had only phoned me

It didn't seem to be so bad
We all thought that you would cope
I never ever dreamt that the next time I saw you
You would be hanging from a rope

Did you not ever think
That if you needed me
I'd need you too?
Your suicide was selfish
Your suicide was cruel
See your little boy?
He doesnt see you
A stone in the ground
With 'fell asleep too soon'
Is all he has to remember his dad
He was only two

And why did you do it that day?
Your funeral was on my birthday
Thanks for that gift
I would rather have had nothing
Except the knowledge that you were safe

Your suicide was so baddly timed
The first day of my holiday
Amanda phoned me
And simply said
'Neil is dead'
Suicide, you were twenty one
How could you leave me alone
I was fifteen
I needed to know that you would always be there
If I ever fell
And since you died, I have fell alot

I am self harming again
Another weakness I developed when you went away
You had made me stop it
Said I didnt need more pain
Well, how can I not cut my arms
When my cousin hung himself
And my mum abandonned me at three
And those are only two things on a very long list
Your suicide left me to cope alone

When you were abused by your dad
I was there to help you
My dad gave you a home
When I was abused by my mums boyfriend
You were there to help me
Your mum gave me a home
You see, we were this team
We were there to help eachother
Through all that pain
So why did you have to fade away?
I managed to live
Would it be better if I died?

Your little brother Simon is a mess
His dad just died, and you weren't there
To wipe his face
You left him too
Your suicide was weak
And pathetic 
And I am so angry at you
Because I cant do this on my own
I needed you
I need you

I had to tell my dad that you had died
And that you had done it to yourself
And the death I saw in his eyes that second
Was worse, than if he had died
Because he helped you, everytime, he was there
And the one time we were on holiday
You needed us to be there

Your suicide killed you
But it killed me too
And it left us all with a hole
In our soul's
That can only be filled by you

(How I feel about my cousin commiting suicide)

© Copyright Lianna Mackie