My Blanket

My ears hurt They've been working overtime hearing people out My head hurts Its been working overtime thinking My heart hurts Its been working overtime hurting My eyes hurt They've been working overtime tear-ing up My soul hurts Its been working overtime searching God My conscience hurts Its been working overtime guilting me My rationale hurts Its been working overtime understanding things My absurdity hurts Its been working overtime Lashing out for no reason People- They watch me everyday, judging me, expecting of me, waiting for me to slip up They place me up on a pedestal For being the good girl, for being the smart kid Suffocating me with the pillow of their expectations Affectiionate proud eyes, Cold selfish hands The warmth draws me in, the force chokes the life out of me Day and night, day in day out i work, i toil to stand by them, to be there for them To do the right thing, to stand by my ideals unwavered But its just not working out Back to grade 5 I'm begging for life to ease up Im professing that i dont understand anymore Like my teacher back then, they smirk at me They declare i cant be lost, im the smart kid. the good girl ..i KNOW the right thing to do They dump their crap into me And like a river i try to carry away as much as i can Take away the pain, the anger, the sorrow - cuz im a princess who makes it all better I do a good job, and they love me for it But into you, i then bring all that crap And like the limitless ocean You gather all "my" crap into your arms and hold me together Into you everything is engulfed. they are my karma battlefield you are my charioteer They are my test You are my pen In their eyes are expectations for me Your eyes see all my vulnerabilities They see me as angelic, as an ideal daughter as an ideal friend as a trustworthy confidante You see me as a tired little girl with too many ppl to care for, who needs to be pampered. loved and spoiled He's just ambitious She's just a kid They're just going through a phase He's just stubborn You know what he/she REALLY meant in saying that Everyone gets an excuse - but im not allowed one I'm not allowed to lash out, I'm not allowed to be unreasonable I cant be a bitch, I cant be hurt, I cant be wrong, I cant be confused No excuses for you missy, If you slip up - there'll be no understanding, only disappointment Every night A few tears A few thoughts And then i close my eyes It's my turn now my turn to dream I may not be allowed excuses But even I'm allowed to dream And so, i dream of you Your warm unconditional eyes Your strong loving arms Everyone comes to me And i come to you In you i find peace Finally validation, finally acceptance in you - i am liberated My blanket You keep me warm when the world turns me cold You shelter me from the rain of doubt You keep me safe from scorching light, cuz u know ur little weirdo likes the darkness more They say Im a dreamer But i know you'll come fer me He's said he'll send you for me And he's never lied to me So I'll wait ..for my blanket i will wait O i know you wont be perfect n i know i'll get on your nerves every once in a while But i know why you're you X Cuz You'll read me like a book ! See all my life i've been explaining myself to people over n over n over Even if i spell my needs out Nobody gets it! And now i get why Cuz they're not you That's how i'll know you're you Maybe i'll confuse some people to be you on the way But when it really is you, i know that I'll know a gazillion% sure I'll search for you ..I'll wait for you I know you prolly think of me too Its all His fault He's keeping us apart - i dunno why Maybe we need to grow, to be perfect for each other For you I'll wait For you I'll grow And to you i'll surrender my ears, my head, my heart, my eyes, my conscience, my rationale, my absurdity, my soul - my all And when i close my eyes That one last time I hope i'll be in ur sturdy arms Looking at you Smiling at us A lifetime lived together Tests, memories, precious moments - of love, of togetherness, of parenthood, of success - lived together to have had your love, to have had your touch, to have had you - the one thing that mattered most And then I'll retire back to Him Proud to have lived by my ideals Thankful for having lived it with you Sincere in having done for you all that you did for me I'll go back to him You know I'll wanna go first - I dont wanna live here without you and as i leave, you'll smile ..smile at having spoilt me one last time I'd have left you alone, but i was always allowed to be selfish with you God's pure love for me sent in your form All for me, not for sharing Undisturbed by selfishness Unconditional, free of incongruity For you I'll wait For my blanket ..i'll wait