Have you ever been so lost
trapped beneath smeone's gaze
left standing, desolute
dazed
hands reaching for the fix
not reading the silent lips
whisper sweetly in my ear
vodka asprin, quick now dear.

and before you realize what you've done
its too late
have you ever felt
like everything was just a huge mistake?
it sits there still
a glass half full, the bottle on it's side
side tracked
stepped back
reality check..
what the hell is this doing here?

and the razor blades all new
they shine and call to you
its hard to drown them out
when inside
you scream adn shout
but outside actions come
as primary functions.
it's pretty there
in a sadistic way.
have you ever waited

until the scars fade away?
have you ever wanted nothing more
that to be nothing?
have you ever stopped to realize
that slowly, i kill myself
lost within your eyes?

tomorrow i will smile again
and cover up this wounds
and wait patiently t begin again
have you ever thought
im never at my best?

all the lies i tell
theya re to keep me safe
i tell myself it's becuase
i don't want to hurt you
but that's another lie too
i want you to fucking suffer
the way i do.

i wish there was a pain
i could cause you
that would bring you to your knees
fighting with yourself
to stay alive for one more day
to wait it out
and hope these feelings will
go away.

have you ever screamed
inside you head until you
held your ears and yelled stop it
stop it please
have you ever  told yourself
you're not good enough and meant
every word you said?

the insecurities i shared with you
you fucking wore them right through
i can't belive i let you fuck with me
and now im so broken
i cant clearly see
that the problem is not you
but me.

i hope you hold on to tonight
and relive it forever
i hope that you can see it through my eyes
but i know you won't, not ever.

slowly, i kill myself
and it;s all for you
have you ever
seen the truth?

xoxo
Ellie J