Have You Ever

Have you ever been so lost trapped beneath smeone's gaze left standing, desolute dazed hands reaching for the fix not reading the silent lips whisper sweetly in my ear vodka asprin, quick now dear. and before you realize what you've done its too late have you ever felt like everything was just a huge mistake? it sits there still a glass half full, the bottle on it's side side tracked stepped back reality check.. what the hell is this doing here? and the razor blades all new they shine and call to you its hard to drown them out when inside you scream adn shout but outside actions come as primary functions. it's pretty there in a sadistic way. have you ever waited until the scars fade away? have you ever wanted nothing more that to be nothing? have you ever stopped to realize that slowly, i kill myself lost within your eyes? tomorrow i will smile again and cover up this wounds and wait patiently t begin again have you ever thought im never at my best? all the lies i tell theya re to keep me safe i tell myself it's becuase i don't want to hurt you but that's another lie too i want you to fucking suffer the way i do. i wish there was a pain i could cause you that would bring you to your knees fighting with yourself to stay alive for one more day to wait it out and hope these feelings will go away. have you ever screamed inside you head until you held your ears and yelled stop it stop it please have you ever told yourself you're not good enough and meant every word you said? the insecurities i shared with you you fucking wore them right through i can't belive i let you fuck with me and now im so broken i cant clearly see that the problem is not you but me. i hope you hold on to tonight and relive it forever i hope that you can see it through my eyes but i know you won't, not ever. slowly, i kill myself and it;s all for you have you ever seen the truth? xoxo Ellie J