Love Kills

It's a girl in a college dormitory...... ------------------------------------------------------------- My black pencil glides along the bottom of my eyes as I stare at myself in the mirror. I put my pencil on my other eye and trace a line along it. This is where I stand, quietly, for a moment, and I think. This is not who I used to be. This is not who you used to know. I sit on my bed, looking deeply into my own eyes in the mirror. The mirror....the one thing that separates me from the wall. The wall that separates me from you. I no longer want to be by myself. I stand up, but I give up and sit back down. I sink into my bed and as I start to look down, I close my eyes. I fall back, and there I lie...On my bed...As if I were to fall asleep. I lie there, all alone. Just me and my thoughts...Just me and my monsters... I turn and see my face in the mirror again, through the bed's headboard. I close my eyes, but I am suddenly awakened by the sound of the door opening. And I open my eyes, to see yours. You come to separate me from the mirror. You kneel in front of me and our eyes meet. My frown still has not turned into a smile, but when you look into my eyes, and I look into yours, I can feel my brain melting. I can no longer think. I can no longer breathe. Then, I hear you say, "What's wrong?" Now, I can no longer speak. I try to open my mouth, but suddenly I realize, "What am I going to say?'" You touch my hair, and smile. I feel my whole body leaving the bed and staring to fly...I feel finally free... "What's wrong? Tell me..." you ask again, and I feel my whole body plop back down on my bed. I sigh and look away. "What's wrong?" I repeat your words. "I wish I knew..." You grab my head and turn in towards yours. Your eyes meet mine again and I try to breathe, but I fail. I start to feel my eyes watering and suddenly, my face feels wet. Tears start to pour down. I can feel sharp dagger piercing my heart, as your gaze pierces my mind. You put your finger on my face and dry my tears. I try to smile, but then the door opens again, and she walks in. She rests her hand on your shoulder, and as she looks down at you, I look up at her. I lift my hand to touch your soft, smooth hair, but she beats me to it, so I put my hand down. You get up, but I lie there still…drowning in my misery. She hugs you and holds you tightly in front of me to let me know she will never let go of you. You put your arms around her and I close my eyes. I can’t watch anymore. She pulls you out of my dark room, and I can hear her giggling in the hallway. I hear her whisper to you, “Leave her alone. She’s hopeless.” Hopeless…I’m hopeless… I feel a river of tears rush out of my eyes and I quickly get up to slam the door. But I suddenly feel weaker. I put my face in my hands and kneel behind my door. I can’t even kneel! I fall desolately to the floor, like a dragon whose wings have been broken. My wings have been broken. My heart has been ripped out, by her. I can see her laughing in my face. She knows. She knows I love you. She knows I would give anything to be able to hold you in my arms, like she can. She knows. She laughs in my face, and she mocks me. Why? Because she has everything I want. She has you. She has you, and I’m empty-handed. Empty-handed. I have nothing. I only have things I don’t want. I have a broken heart, and I feel like I lost my voice. Like I can’t speak. I feel like I lost everything, the minute she walked in the room. The small daggers that had pierced my heart now turn into big saws. I put my hand on my chest and I can almost feel the blood pouring down my body. I feel the blade of the saw in my skin, and I can still hear her laughing at me. I can’t take this! I can’t take it! I can’t take any of this anymore! I can’t stand to see you everyday in her arms. And not in mine. I rush to my night-table and quickly open the drawer. I look under my bible, and take out a real blade. I lift it up and look at it for a moment. I look at my reflection in its blade, like I could see it in the mirror. I place it on my wrist and the same way the pencil glides along my eyes, the blade glides along my wrist. I close my eyes and blame all the pain and suffering on this one physical wound. Real blood starts to leak out. I smear it on my hand with my finger, until my whole wrist looks red. Red like blood. Real blood. I put the blade back and keep crying. I get up and walk back to the mirror. I look at myself in the mirror and I can see you standing behind me. My whole world starts to brighten up. I turn around with my arms open, but you’re not there anymore. I knew it. You were created by my imagination. You’re gone. I shouldn’t have turned around. Maybe you would still be there… But then, I have always been stupid. I had always guarded my heart so it wouldn’t get broken like I’d seem other hearts break. But the one time I let my heart open up, for a few seconds, it was just for fun. It was at my best friend’s party. I had been careless the whole night, and this wasn’t the first risk I had ever taken. I was bored, and I thought nothing would happen. But the one time I let my guard down, everything fell apart. It was only for a few seconds, and just for fun. I thought nothing would happen. Nothing would change. But then, you walked in the room. And all the lights turned off and I could only see the light that was shining on your face. I could only see the beauty of your face. I felt my heart melt at that immediate moment. I thought it would only last for that night, but the next morning, I say you coming out of the room next to mine, and you smiled. You smiled and everyone else and everything else just disappeared. You walked away, and I sighed to myself. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have taken a risk like that? How could I have thought it would be fun? I am so stupid! I emptied my mind to come back to the present where I was standing in front of the mirror still. I didn’t like what I saw. Staring back at me was the reason why I was suffering. The one reason I was bleeding. The reason why I hurt so much inside. I hated the girl who looked back at me. I hated her! Even SHE laughed at me! She was the cause of everything that made me feel this way! Suddenly, all the sadness turned into rage. Anger. I stopped crying and I felt like screaming at myself. Without thinking, I raised my hand and hit her hard. The mirror broke into tiny pieces, and my hand was bleeding again. At least the bitch was gone. But I was still here. And even if she were still there, I still hurt inside. I couldn’t deal with any of this by myself. I was killing myself! I got up and left the room. I got up and left the room. Leaving my sadness behind. Leaving the pain behind. Leaving the tears behind. I walked to your door, and knocked. You opened it, and saw me standing there. I could finally look into your eyes again! I felt a light of hope light up inside me. And for the first time since that party, I felt like I could actually smile. You saw my blood dripping from my hand. You saw my tears dripping from my chin. You pulled me in your room and you sat me down on your bed. You put your arms around me and I could fly once more. All my tears suddenly dried, and all the blood stopped coming out. All my fears disappeared and the sadness and misery finally escaped my body. I finally felt happy, but that was only because I was in your arms. I put my head on your shoulder, and my arms around you. I was happy… At least for now, while she was gone. I opened my eyes again, and got up to lock the door. Then I sat back down at your side. I don’t know what I should have done next, but at least I know I did what I wanted to do. Just like you had grabbed my head earlier in my room, I grabbed yours, but this time, it was our lips that met, for a longer time. The day turned into night, and like the sun went down, I started to lie down on your bed. I pulled you down with me. After that, every negative feeling in my body, mind and soul was replaced by positive emotions. I held you in my arms tightly and kissed you. You put your hand on my back and pulled me closer. The rest of the night felt like a dream. But in the morning when I woke up next to you, I realized it hadn’t been a dream. It was real. You were real, and I was never going to let go of you.