What Must Be Done!!!

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By Tyler Cedric Golden •

We run and we run and we try to escape, I fall behind and trip over a stake, Stop for me you do not as your adrenaline rushes you forward, Stop for you I would but you keep running toward, Your destination or route of a sort towards freedom, I lay on the ground as the chasers catch up to me screaming,” Lets beat em!" And as I feel a tremendously large amount of pain forced on my back, I try to stay conscious but then I lose track........ I wake up after several nightmares of your betrayal and feel revenge rise in my heart, We were such good friends from the very start, But you selfishly and ignorantly made your own independent choice, I begin to open my eyes as I hear your voice, And as my vision begins to clear from it once being blurred, I try to talk, but my words are slurred, Panic I begin to do for I found I'm chained against this wall, Tears slide down my face for the horrible event I seem to be in that makes my heart fall, All along, the only thing you wanted to do was take my life, I don’t not completely understand or even know why, You would use your time to do this upon me, Hatred begins to rise, and I'm really getting angry, As I start to internally scream and tears rush down my face, What kindness I had in my heart is temporarily misplaced, And this serge of power and shockwaves stream through the veins of my body and my soul, From this betrayal action you have made, my heart partially disintegrates and creates a hole, Extreme darkness swims through my body and mercy I can no longer feel, Vengeance slides through me and now you have made this burning hatred a big ordeal, For crush you and escape this I must, To rid you of this existence of yours is now my hearts lust, Continuously pulling on the chains that lock me upon this wall, They finally break and as I fall, I rush towards you with blinding speed, Upon your bones the demons shall feed, For tricking someone and manipulating their minds, To liking you and becoming so close, to my standards is not fine, As I swiftly rush to end your life, A small speckle of watering falls from my eye, But true you were not to me, And us together forever we were not meant to be, Don't do what you did before and attempt to run, Because in the end, this is what must be done!!! (A lesson in friend betrayal: More of a short story)

Current vote: 5.0 / 5

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December 18, 2008 18:54Julia Anne

I liked it. Not the rhymes so much, but the essence of the poem is great!

December 18, 2008 22:39bedazzled

Ok, constructive criticism... You need to sort out your structure, it's just a blur of rambling with too many commas and no full stops. Also, the rhyming just isn't working. There's no syllabic structure to it and it comes across forced. If you really like rhyme then try counting your syllables, otherwise go with freestyle. Also, cut out any unnecessary lines. The poem has a powerful topic and potential, you just need to fix a few things so it doesn't look like a diary entry.